The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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