I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
