Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
