My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
