spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
