I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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