if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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