We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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