I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
