so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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