By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I can text with my tongue
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
