What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
