I wanna passion pit in your ass
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
