You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
