he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
