You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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