come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
