but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
