Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
