I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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