I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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