this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Randomize