just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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