Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
