3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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