considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize