we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Randomize
