I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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