from now on my penis is your penis
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
