I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
