I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You took a bar mat shot.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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