He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
