I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
