Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
