My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
