I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize