Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
