its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
