well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
