I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm both gender and math confused
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
