Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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