I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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