Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
