Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
