And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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