what if every blade of grass was a penis?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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