When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
