Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize