hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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