a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
