I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He passed out mid-signature
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize