...so i touched it.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
