Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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