He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
