Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
