Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
