I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
