It's like a parade of train wrecks.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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