I am midnight drunk by noon
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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