so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
