the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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