hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
