If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
