I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
