On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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